-9 Days

   I'm scared, I'm not going to lie. Everything is so jumbled up. Literally, everything... I'm trying to keep all the paperwork together and balance between all the different things going on. Family. Friends. Aliyah. Garin. You name it.
   Can't complain, I planned for this. Maybe I thought it would go better. Easier or faster. But it's not, it's just stressing me out. I find myself getting stuck in thoughts more and more often. Ulpan is scary. Shit, the whole language is scary. I know I can conquer it with enough time. But in the meanwhile, I have an interview with the  Kibbutz and Tzahal on Wednesday morning, and I've almost forgotten the small amount of Hebrew I do know.
   The only thing that I can do is constantly remind myself of why I chose to do this. To move HALF WAY AROUND THE PLANET. And occasionally, I forget. But then I say to myself, "this isn't about me". Which naturally leads me to think, "Well, what if something were to happen? What if it all fails? I get the short end of the stick... I pay for it." "It's not about me." "What if I fail?" "It's not about me." "I can get hurt, and stuck. all alone out there." "It's not abo...." Ect ect ect...
   It somehow ends up with a vision of my Rabbi saying, "We do what we have to, but in the end, everything that's meant to be, will be. And if it's not meant to be, then it won't be."
   It's 2 a.m. on a Monday morning right now. I'm tired and afraid, but that line is bringing me comfort. If everything falls to pieces, it's not a reflection of my inability to achieve. I'll just keep on keep'n on. I'll do what I must, but when the sun sets, I did my work and I'll try to sleep knowing that it's no longer in my hands. Call it Karma, Yin and Yang, the Force - Whatever you want to. I just can't lose myself and give up.