Day 0

   Getting on that plane to Newark was scary. Not going to lie, I wanted to turn around and book it home. Just forget any of this happened. "stop being such a fucking pussy Richard. really, it's pathetic"... That's what I was forcing myself to say. It only helped a little, then I realized what an ass I was being to myself, so I started to think"It's OK little guy, you got this. You'll be alright." Landing was a relief, kind of... I spent the next hour with one of those stupid push cart things with all my gigantic bags on it. At one point I got into this tiny elevator with barely enough room for all my things. And some dumb couple decided to squeeze in behind me. We shuffled around so that they could get out first because they had only what they could carry. When the doors open I let them out, but it took a bit because they had to climb the Everest of my bags. As
soon as they got out, the doors closed. No biggie, right? Just click the button and the doors open, right?

   WRONG FUCKER!!!

   I had to hold the button while the doors crawled open, I let go and THE DOOR SHUT IN MY FACE. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DEVIL ELEVATOR IS THIS?! IT WON'T STAY OPEN?!

   I got out and managed to find my way to Israel. I'm officially an Israeli, it's done.

-2 days (I should probably be packing by now)

   Everything has finally come together. I finally got my Aliyah Visa and my Apostille (I'm still not really sure what that is, but apparently I need it). I'm pretty sure I wanted to die from the stress of not getting those earlier. All my fault. But stressful none the less. I applied for the Apostille about two weeks ago. I sent in a request form and a check to the Secretary of State in Washington on Friday and just waited, knowing I ABSOLUTELY NEED THIS IN TWO WEEKS. But I was lazy. And I paid for it by drowning my stress in  five thousand cups of coffee and to many cigarettes to count. Come Friday morning, I still didn't get it. So I called the lady up and asked if I could track it in the mail and what not. After what seemed like forever of bureaucratic BS, she told me they sent it out last Tuesday. Me, being from the modern age when everything is instant, panicked even more. "IT MUST BE LOST IN THE MAIL!!!" I thought. But, with signs of growing maturity and an ability to cope with real life,I DIDN'T PANIC. I simply said to myself, "DUDE, it'll be here later." I soon forgot about it (probably within a half hour) and got to work getting ready for Shabbot. Anyways, it came in the mail about three hours later. I kind of felt bad for the lady on the phone who shared in my consternation. For about a second...

   In other news, Matt (my brother) came home. And I made a sign for him. 

I used crayons to color it and the whole time I continually thought of something that happened to me as a child...

 

   As probably few number of people know, I used to SUCK at arts and crafts. I was always creative, but I wasn't handy. And that SUCKED. I don't remember a lot about kindergarten, but I DO remember first love. Alisson. Don't remember her last name, or anything about her except her blonde hair and the amount of awkward I would emanate around her. I crushed on her hard. Like really hard. She was the first girl I ever thought was pretty. And I wanted to give her a ham and cheese and cracker Lunchables sandwhich. Whenever I could afford it. Which was rare. 

   One random day we were coloring ducks. I wanted mine to look "as real as I could get it." So the duck HAD TO BE NEON YELLOW. NO OTHER YELLOW WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY DUCK. I remember thinking I needed the best color fillage(if that's a word). I zigged and zagged all over that poor little outline of a duck, BUT I WOULD NOT COLOR OUTSIDE THE LINES! All of a sudden Allison appears next to poor little Richard, "You know Richard, If you color in straight lines, it'll look better."

   I shit a brick. How could the love of my pathetic little six-year-old life NOT like my neon duck??? I MUST DO BETTER. So I did... Now I'm an artist... Bitch.
   She probably changed my life. I wish I could thank her. And if your'e wondering what happened to "us", I accidentally flicked a pencil at her face. She stopped speaking to me, and I found Emily... Story of my life.


   Anyways, it was weird coloring that sign for when Matt walked in. I was all emotional over Alisson, whom I haven't seen for 13 years. It was awful and I hope it doesn't happen again.

-9 Days

   I'm scared, I'm not going to lie. Everything is so jumbled up. Literally, everything... I'm trying to keep all the paperwork together and balance between all the different things going on. Family. Friends. Aliyah. Garin. You name it.
   Can't complain, I planned for this. Maybe I thought it would go better. Easier or faster. But it's not, it's just stressing me out. I find myself getting stuck in thoughts more and more often. Ulpan is scary. Shit, the whole language is scary. I know I can conquer it with enough time. But in the meanwhile, I have an interview with the  Kibbutz and Tzahal on Wednesday morning, and I've almost forgotten the small amount of Hebrew I do know.
   The only thing that I can do is constantly remind myself of why I chose to do this. To move HALF WAY AROUND THE PLANET. And occasionally, I forget. But then I say to myself, "this isn't about me". Which naturally leads me to think, "Well, what if something were to happen? What if it all fails? I get the short end of the stick... I pay for it." "It's not about me." "What if I fail?" "It's not about me." "I can get hurt, and stuck. all alone out there." "It's not abo...." Ect ect ect...
   It somehow ends up with a vision of my Rabbi saying, "We do what we have to, but in the end, everything that's meant to be, will be. And if it's not meant to be, then it won't be."
   It's 2 a.m. on a Monday morning right now. I'm tired and afraid, but that line is bringing me comfort. If everything falls to pieces, it's not a reflection of my inability to achieve. I'll just keep on keep'n on. I'll do what I must, but when the sun sets, I did my work and I'll try to sleep knowing that it's no longer in my hands. Call it Karma, Yin and Yang, the Force - Whatever you want to. I just can't lose myself and give up.